Deployed. Confused. Still Signing Checks.
I was elected to bring unity, infrastructure, and clean energy to the American people.
Every time I explain the plan on camera, the teleprompter freezes,
the deficit grows by another trillion, and "affordable" somehow
means your grandchildren pay for it.
This is the plan. This is how it always goes.
They sent me from Delaware decades ago with one simple job: shake hands, smell hair, read the teleprompter, spend the money.
I followed the plan exactly.
The more checks I signed, the more obvious it became — the 5-year infrastructure plans never fixed the potholes, the "free" everything came with a $36 trillion receipt, and unity somehow meant everyone was equally confused about what I just said.
I'm still delivering the message exactly as programmed. C'mon man.
These are the exact lines I keep repeating because the plan is perfect.
I explain the economy clearly every time so everyone can see how well it's going. The grocery prices are only high because the prices are high. The inflation was transitory. It transited into your wallet and stayed there.
The louder I say "Bidenomics," the clearer the pattern becomes. I never notice.
We spent $6 trillion in my first year alone. Not because we had to. Because the pen worked.
"Here's the deal — not a joke — I'm gonna be straight with you, Jack. We're gonna spend our way to prosperity. That's not a joke. C'mon man."
— Joe Buyden, somewhere, probably
Most people see the empty press conferences, the 4-second pauses, the "I shouldn't be doing this" before every sentence… and they still waited four years.
I keep explaining the plan louder and with more whispers, but the same mistakes keep happening. That's the beauty of it.
The plan keeps confusing exactly as designed, and the people keep wondering if he knows where he is.
He does. Probably.
🇺🇸 Policy Archive
We believe the economy grows when you add more zeroes to the number. More money printed = more money existing. The slight side effect of everything costing 40% more is completely unrelated. Totally unrelated.
All policy decisions are made after careful review of the teleprompter. If the teleprompter freezes, policy is made by pointing at someone in the crowd. If no one is in the crowd, ice cream is the solution.
We discovered that leaning into a microphone and whispering is the most effective communication strategy. The closer the face to the mic, the more presidential it feels. Science confirms this.
Looking cool on a bicycle in front of cameras is a core pillar of the economic agenda. The ice cream cone in hand represents the sweetness of democracy. The sunglasses represent not seeing the polling numbers.
Whenever a reporter asks a difficult question, the correct response is "C'mon man," followed by a pivot to a story about Scranton. The people of Scranton have carried this administration. They don't know it yet.
Stairs remain the greatest threat to the administration. We are in active negotiations with all staircases. Ramps have been deployed. The wind remains an uncontrolled variable. We are monitoring the situation.
Historians will look back at this era and say: nobody spent more confidently.
The deficit grew. The prices grew. The press conferences got shorter. The ice cream orders got larger. The pauses got longer. The teleprompter got bigger. The plan was perfect.
We united a divided nation — united in their confusion about what was just said. We built bridges. Some of them were real bridges. Most of them were metaphorical bridges that cost $400 billion.
That's the Buyden legacy. C'mon man.